Just hours after I cleared up my schedule and resolved to chant 108 rounds on this coming Monday the whole thing went south.
The decision to scalper my plan was made even before I wrote about it here, I just didn’t know about it at the time. I forgot to mention that actually there are lots of people who can lay claim to my time, it’s not all Krishna’s. All Krishna gives me is a couple of hours for my daily quota, not much more than that. Nothing less, too, but if someone else wants to use my time Krishna doesn’t seem to interfere.
My soul belongs to Him, my body belongs to the material world, and no matter how hard I try it seems He just doesn’t need this blob of fat and lust, it’s got to take of itself and there’s only a thin connection between the two – no more than an hour and a half to chant my rounds for my soul, the rest belongs to the body.
I can’t chant my 108 rounds anymore – devilish plan, but who’s the devil here?
Is it me? Demoniacally seeking some extra time I can dedicate to chanting the Holy Names? Yesterday I was wondering if it’s worth the time and effort, today the answer from higher powers is clear – it’s not, or at least they are not going to support me in this endeavor.
Or is it someone trying to insert himself between me and the Lord? I don’t think so, who would dare? And even if they did they couldn’t do anything without Krishna’s permission, so it’s all His fault anyway.
Maybe it’s me, as if I got some magic powers to control the material nature, including the behavior of other conditioned souls. Hmm, I don’t think so.
No matter how many fingers I got in this life form they all point to one and only doer of all things past and present – Krishna.
It could still be all me, of course, but consider this – what power have I got over the material energy? None whatsoever. Whatever it does, however it presents itself to me and anyone reading this, too, it’s all sanctioned by Krishna.
Okay, you can say Krishna lets it do whatever I desire. Fine, but is there any difference between Krishna letting me use material or spiritual nature?
In this world I desire to use His energies for my gratification, in spiritual world I supposed to desire to use His energies for His gratification – that is clear, but is it really? I can cite quite a few cross purport uses. Don’t we learn that the only differentiation between material and spiritual energies is in what we use them for? If I want to use my body for Krishna it becomes spiritual, doesn’t it?
So why can’t I use my body to chant 108 rounds of japa on Monday? And it’s not this one particular day either. Originally I planned at least three-four days of at least 64 rounds each. It all went down the drain. All of it, not a single day left.
It is some transcendental plan I can’t make any sense of.
All I know is that as long as I am doing something for Krishna I am happy. I got to chant 16 rounds a day because of a promise I made a long time ago, even Krishna can’t break that one, we, the devotees, can control Him this way, he has to oblige and give me enough time everyday to chant by daily quota, but everything else is a fair game.
So He won’t let me chant extra rounds, I wonder why. What is He afraid of? Me falling in love with Him? I can see that, who in his right spiritual mind would want me?
I know one person who can’t refuse, too – Krishna.
Maybe He is so sick of me that He doesn’t want my company anymore and feels it’s easier to keep me down here instead. Wise choice, as long as He keeps the juice coming. I can be a stalker, fine, just give me enough attention to keep me busy dreaming about Him.
One day I will claim my victory and stalk my territory and force the Lord to surrender to my irrational love. It will be ugly but I am just doing my part, and don’t tell me it’s not exciting.
Krishna can win, too, and have His temporary celebration for a while.
In the end, though, I’ve got to do what I was created for, can’t help it, sorry.