Vanity thought #9. Jealosy.

We all know that Krishna expands himself into numerous copies during the rasa dance. He also does the same thing when he spends time with his cowherd friends.

When they all sit down to eat, He pretends to be sitting right next to each and every one of his friends, every day, every meal they share together.

Why is that?

Is it because His devotees in Goloka are possessive and jealous? Is it because they can’t stand a minute of Him spending “their” quality time with anybody else?

Afaik, Srimati Radharani is not like that at all. Okay, I don’t actually know anything, but it’s in the books, so maybe I need “afair” acronym here.

So why does Krishna pretend to give his personal association when, in fact, He just sends a copy of Himself? I know he redefines bad manners, but this just doesn’t sound right.

We are being taught to bide our time and enjoy giving others a chance to serve Him, but if we get promoted to Goloka it’s what – me me me all the time?

If we cultivate the recommended mood of serving him here, shouldn’t it continue in the spiritual world, too?

Okay, that’s just one oddity here. Another point is that even a rascal like me can learn all this stuff in some god forsaken corner of the Earth in one of the billions and billions of material universes.

Why do we have to overcome all sorts of illusions in this material world, and then get under even more powerful spells once we become free from them? Why do we know more here then when/if we get there? Is it only because their ignorance is truly blissful, while our knowledge, specifically me asking stupid questions like this, is a cause of eternal suffering?

Anybody here can comprehend the logistical problems of having a lunch or a dance with all the devotees in Goloka at the same time. And it’s not like time is a problem there, is it? We’ve all been taught how to cue and wait for your turn, and if we get a substitute we often don’t mind. Many don’t even mind when they get cheap knockoffs. We know what the deal is, we can put up with it and accept our inferiority and just enjoy our lot regardless.

Why does it appear that in Goloka we forget all our manners? Why is that Krishna has to hide all his copies from each and every one of his friends and partners? Why can’t they accept that he multiplied Himself, why can’t they see hundreds and thousands of Him enjoying His games with hundreds and thousands of other devotees?

Is it some kind of spiritual jealousy?

Why does Krishna need to pool this wool over their eyes? How does he feel about cheating them like that Himself?

I guess it’s one of those things where simply reading a lot is not going to help. Trying to understand Krishna is a hopeless task. I bet half the time He doesn’t even understand Himself, as His own way of dealing with eternal predictability of everything and everybody else.

I guess that’s how I develop “I would have done a better job” attitude that shackles me to this world forever.


Vanity thought #8. Blue boy.

I was once falling asleep while reading a book about Krishna’s pastimes and in a dreamy state of mind I had a vision of a blue something. It didn’t look like a boy,  just a blue something, and it wasn’t even human, more like an octopus spread across several chairs and I could see only a small part of its body.

But that wasn’t the strangest part. What really hit me at that time was the idea that after millions and millions of years searching, discovering, learning, reaching for the stars, you get to meet this blue thing and that’s all there is. There’s nothing more, the end. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to find. And it’s the end not only for me, it’s the end for him, too, and he’s been there since forever.

He just sits there all by himself, there’s nothing for him to find, to discover, nowhere to go (I was more worried that there’s nothing more to find for me, but let’s not be too selfish). Everywhere He turns, it’s the same old Him. He can’t run from Himself, literally – everywhere is just more of Him, there’s nothing and nobody else but Him in His world.

From our point of view, as soon as some thought flashes through my mind, or through the minds of countless souls, every second of countless millenniums, He knows all about it, He knows where it came from, He knows where it goes, and how it will end. We live through it, we hope, we strive, and we die for some of it.

But for Him there’s absolutely no excitement in any of this. Nothing, zilch, nada.

Can life be anymore boring for Him? He must be full of desolation.

Now, if I ever meet Him I hope He’ll be a lot more attractive than my dream vision, but the principal problem for Him still stands – He has no equals, no rivals, no mysteries. He must be the loneliest person in the whole universe. So much for being God.

The solution, of course, is to create playmates out of himself and treat them as equals, make them challenging and unpredictable, that would spice up his life. I’m talking about a new movie Megamind now, btw. Same lonely blue boy who conquered the world but can’t find happiness in being the greatest ever.

Megamind’s color is exactly like it was in my dream. Pure coincidence, I just saw the movie an hour ago.

Anyway, I really hope this solution works for Him (hey, I hope it works out for me, too).

Otherwise it’s just untold, eternal suffering, bluest depression, and possibly suicidal thoughts. We can’t have our God suffer like this.

Please, someone tell him He is not alone, we’re on our way, once we get untangled from this “bhavambudhi” we’ll try our best to cheer Him up. Maybe not me, but surely someone will come.

Yeah, like He needs our help in His Goloka… We can only hope and wait.

Anyway, I had a few more thoughts about these Krishna’s pastimes with his parents and friends and gopis, but let’s save them for another day.

Vanity thought #7. Dread.

Had a bad japa day. Just couldn’t keep my mind on the names, it was all over the place, and when I managed to keep it listening, it was all robotic and I felt general apathy. The good news is that even by doing that, just trying again and again, the feeling and the attitude change.

Unfortunately it was too late, somewhere on the last two rounds, I came out feeling helpless and depressed, and then came the rest of the Saturday with all the opportunities to forget about japa troubles.

I hate weekends, too much time for myself, for just idling around and killing time by watching some stupid videos.

Grrr, why do weekends have to be every week???

On weekdays I just keep alert, trying to get through my workday and find enough time for japa, I walk everywhere with a clicker, just to keep chanting at all times, and by Friday I’m literally flying, and then comes Saturday and it all goes away.

So what does it mean? One explanation is that my perception of progress is sentimental, there’s no foundation for it. Another explanation  is that simply trying, even without taste, still counts, and devotion shouldn’t be all about enjoyment anyway.

Another argument is that it’s okay, it’s progress, in the future it will all come by itself.

Well, I’m in the future, a very distant future from the day I heard this argument for the first time.

On the other hand, thanks to Krishna for not giving up on me during all this time, on yet another hand for him it was not even a second, so no big deal.

So here how this Saturday ends, on dread and confusion, but also with hope.

Krishna just gives enough to go on.

Naughty, naughty God.

Vanity thought #6. Sex.

It’s brutal. The urge is second only to breathing and hunger.

Fortunately, it doesn’t come up as often. Unfortunately, in the meantime it keeps one under the illusion that it has been more or less conquered.

The time frame is interesting here. We certainly have no illusions about our urge to breath. We might seem okay for a second or two, and that is clearly not enough to forget about it.

Same with food and water – we might dismiss the hunger for a few hours, maybe even days, but at no moment we are under the illusion that we are not going to eat again.

With sex it’s different. When I was giving my vows I had no idea what I was getting myself into regarding that fourth principle.

Just to make it worse, some of my friends took a vow of sannyas since then, some have stayed as brahmacharies. I’m saying it’s worse because I see it as doable, and that means I can get under the illusion that I can do it, too, and it makes the inevitable crash so much bitter.

As time goes by I hope I’ll just give up and leave it in Krishna’s hands. I can’t do it myself, no matter how much I try.

In reality, if it wasn’t for Krishna, I couldn’t even finish my daily rounds. He clears up my schedule, He makes sure I wake up on time, he gives my mouth the capacity to chant, the capacity I should not take for granted, I know quite a few people who can’t chant even if they wanted to (well, actually in that case they could, but that’s not the point now).

The point is, the only way to free oneself from attachment to sex is to pray to Krishna.

I don’t know if there’s any benefit in any specific prayers, that might appear as a desire for liberation, but chanting our trusty

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama
Rama Rama Hare Hare

should do the trick.

Krishna knows our hearts better than us themselves, he’ll remove all the obstacles in due time and in the right order. And He will give us strength to deal with them, too.

I wish He would also gave the intelligence NOT to take credit for his job.

Vanity thought #5. Who am I kidding?

Yesterday I mentioned rasa katha. It so happens that I often hear about it from ex-ISCKON devotees who are now with Radha Kund babajis or Gaudiya Math. I don’t approve, but at least they talk about Krishna and his pastimes, and they are really fixed (fixated) on Srimati Radharani.


I was reading Brihad Bhagavatamrita the other day, the part where Gopa Kumar reaches Goloka, and I saw it very clearly – for a person like me, who had to look up Wikipedia for the difference between a daisy and a chamomile, all those kadamba flowers and bimba fruit mean absolutely nothing. It all flies straight past me.


Had some Jane Austin put those books in a word file and ran” find and replace” the names for some  Jack and Sally, I wouldn’t have finished the first page. I only read them because I’ve been told to and they have Krishna’s names in them so they must be beneficial overall, otherwise I have absolutely no taste for this kind of literature.


So, in a way, I admire those devotees for their dedication to rasa katha, no matter what the official position is. If, God forbid, I lose faith in ISKCON and leave shelter of Srila Prabhupada, I won’t be hanging around Radha Kund, that’s for sure.


Maybe those devotees have not moved up in their spiritual progress by leaving ISKCON, but Krishna is still supremely merciful to them by giving them the taste and devotion to his lilas. So what if it’s impure, I’m not the one to judge. If I were in their shoes I’d be doing much, much worse.


In order to keep my mind fixed (fixated) on Krishna, I need to find books where he reveals His supremely transcendental form as a Tegra Android smartphone running Honeycomb to display full potency of a dual-core architecture. That might convince me, in the short term.


I guess I’ll be praying to serve as His battery pack, or at least a wall outlet, or even a lowly USB connector.


Or what if there’s a new line in Bhagavad Gita: “Among mobile devices I am the iPhone”?


Would it mean I’ve worshiping false gods all along?

Vanity thought #4. Durdaiva.

Well, I was thinking where my durdaiva was yesterday, how was that I was so unfortunate, and my trusty, devious mind quickly came up with something.

You surely know that Krishna loves every living entity. Especially in Kali Yuga when there are no karmic reactions for sinful thoughts (saved me on more than a few occasions, too, thanks).

Krishna is very kind to all living entities, helps everybody to pursue their happiness no matter what they think.

What makes me very unfortunate is that he still counts every offense against the Holy Name, even before I can actually think it up.

Just a mere attitude change, not even a second to formulate how this or that devotee fails my standards of excellence and VROOM*, all nectar is gone, not a whiff of taste left. Even reciting the alphabet suddenly sounds more exciting (try backwards if plain ABC doesn’t work for you).

What am I to do now? Join discussing rasa lila online, there are apparently lots of people in the same predicament there already. Maybe that will help my bruised ego of a great but under-appreciated devotee.

I mean if punishing me like that is not durdaiva, then what is?

I am sure I had a lot more personal responsibility for initially turning away from Krishna and falling down here. I don’t think it was a durdaiva type accident.

The punishment for Nama Aparadha, though, is swift and brutal. Krishna doesn’t cut a slack here, and these strict rules ARE NOT MY FAULT!


Wasn’t it a clever excuse or not?  Kudos to the restless mind.

* Vroom is a thing that cleans up the snow from Cat in the Hat books. Very, very effective.

By back2krishna Posted in Japa Tagged

Vanity thought #3. Nailed something.

Imagine walking about, singing “Krishna Krishna Krishna He” to the tune of Justin Bieber’s Baby. That’s when it hit me – as much as I enjoy it, it’s the annoying tune I can’t get out of my head, not Krishna’s names.

That’s a true realization – I’m as “nanurgah” as they come. Nailed it. Feel very proud of myself.

Funny thing, though, there’s no feeling of “durdaiva” in any sense, just the opposite.

Oh well, baby steps, baby. Not everything at once. Save something for tomorrow, too.

Vanity thought #2. Squaring the circle.

You know how we have a whole library of books to describe spiritual progress, with step by step detailed descriptions?

It’s all fine, I guess, BUT, at least for me, there’s this vicious circle – you make some progress, you check it against the scriptures, you duly note it, and imagine yourself a progressing devotee, and that leads to immediate downfall.

It’s like you start with “cheto darpana mardjanam”, after a while you discover the sweetness that comes with being humble and full of servitude, you get into “trinad api sunichena” mood, evidently, so you (I mean I) exclaim: “Nailed it!”, and boom, back to square one.

It’s really vicious, that one. Bloody impossible to get through.

Maybe I should just stick to polishing the very first “cheto darpana” and do not pray for anything further than that. I mean you can’t go wrong with cleansing of the soul, can you?

Nailed it!







Vanity thought #1

Some people say that the mind becomes very lucid during japa and so if something interesting comes up, one should stop and jot it down.

Well, here’s a thought – at least as far as my own mind is concerned, it’s very very expert at eluding listening to Krishna’s names and comes up with millions of compelling reasons to distract me from doing my service.

Why would I want to jot any of that down?

As a matter of fact, after doing a little and throughly unreliable research, every “wonderful” solution to every problem that manifests in my mind during japa turns out to be quite the opposite of what should be done if I consider it after I’ve finished chanting.

So, if you heard your mind say something during japa, do exactly the opposite.

The paradox is that the whole idea of posting these vanity thoughts came to me this morning, somewhere on the round eight.