Vanity thought #129. Krishna Unhinged Part II

Picking up from where I left off yesterday – I think I figured why Krishna appeared so unappealing in Buddhist Ghata Jataka, and structural failure of our perception of dharma.

First, it could be discounted as simple ignorance. People who compiled that version of the story presumed that Krishna was just a village ruffian on his first trip to the city, that His behavior was in no way justified. Ignorance is probably the best excuse, if they knew the background and intentionally didn’t tell us it would be just sinister.

Let’s imagine how it all looked from Kamsa minions side of the story. As a faithful subject/henchman, one would never admit to any of Kamsa’s wrongdoings which included murdering hundreds if not thousands of infants, some of them personally, just crashing the tiny newborn babies against the walls and pillars, maybe stomping on them or suffocating them. There was also a matter of sending countless demons and rakshasas to kill Krishna Himself.

So, pretending that none of this had ever happened, some imaginary Kamsa’s lawyer would attack Krishna for what He has done in response and holding Him to some lofty standards. “How dared He to enter Mathura uninvited”, for example. “How dared He to take garments meant for Kamsa, the king!” Suddenly it all becomes about rules and civility, forget that Kamsa set the wrestling match specifically to kill Krishna and Balarama. Actually, no, they never forget it, they just pretend Kamsa was an innocent victim there.

Next step would be to demand a full trial, the higher the court the better, and with jury, of course. There should be plenty of options to appeal, too, and there should be bail. The purpose, of course, is to keep Kamsa free to do whatever he wants including hutching new plans to assassinate Krishna. The general public, however, must be made to believe that all Kamsa wants is justice and fairness.

And it’s from this point of view, the position of the cheated public, that Krishna is described as an ungrateful villain in the Buddhist version.

I wonder if all our modern claims of justice are following the same path, too. Our “heroes” kill whoever they want under flimsiest pretenses yet to the world the preach complete faith in justice and fairness. Presumption of innocence is not applied to their enemies at all. A month ago they killed Osama Bin Laden without any trial, not even an attempt, not even a chance to present his version of what has happened with 9/11.

Surely, it looks as if Bin Laden had fully deserved his fate, but what do we really know about his involvement? Could it be that he just claimed the glory for himself, being appointed a symbol of terrorism/resistance? Could it be that he had no personal involvement with planning and execution at all? No one stopped to ask, and no one even pausing to ask now. There are some muted opinion pieces in non-US media about potential dangers of targeted assassinations but no one takes them seriously. It’s a good think they killed Osama, the common wisdom goes.

A few days ago they captured another mass murderer, Serbian Ratko Mladic. That guy was responsible for the worst case of genocide in Europe since World War II. Fifteen years he has been in hiding and now he is about to be brought to trial. Good.

Except people who are going to try him have been complicit in the genocide themselves. They just set back and watched and when shit hit the fan they feigned ignorance and lack of resources. In on account they even turned down the bombing mission against Ratko Mladic forces because paperwork hasn’t been filed properly. The planes just flew several circles above the troops slaughtering civilian men, women and children, and then turned back.

Now they are going to put it all on one man.

Some justice indeed.

Oh, even more, the whole hunt for Osama Bin Laden was illegal from the start to the finish. They got their first clue by torturing terrorist suspects in secret prisons outside of the US and outside US laws, and hidden from the public of the host countries, too. Then they set up surveillance in Pakistan without local authorities knowledge, and finally they executed the raid which was a straightforward challeng to Pakistani sovereignty, and they are saying they would do it again, laws be damned.

Though no, not actually, the laws will be praised and “upheld” – for public consumption, while the might makes right and people with power can abuse laws in any way they like.

So, I no longer wonder how it came to be that ordinary people might try to judge Krishna by these modern standards.

I also find it ridiculous that justice should be blind. The only thing it’s blind to is people with power to subvert it. That is the reality, the slogans for the rest of us are just that – slogans.

When Krishna came to restore dharma He most certainly didn’t mean our modern interpretation. I’m sure it counted as adharma in His view.

Actually the only acceptable dharma is to serve God. There’s no such thing as “blind” justice at all. Blind justice denies the supremacy of the God by definition, it might be the only way a demoniac society can function but for people who believe in God there should be no blindness at all.

As I said yesterday – in a demoniac society everyone looks for equality because they all want to be equal – equal to God. Everybody deserves the same rights and freedoms because everybody’s born equal – equal to God.

We, as devotees, should always remember this fundamental flaw in modern interpretation of justice and fairness when we try to explain why Krishna did this and that.

How did Buddhist got caught up in this, too? I can only speculate, but, let’s not forget – they don’t have any special position for God, too. They are all equal in their impersonal understanding of the world and the creation. Everybody can become Buddha, and Buddha wasn’t God, He was just one of us who advanced further than anyone else.

I can see how their denial of the existence of the Supreme Autocrat can lead to blaming Krishna for what He did to Kamsa, and, ultimately, how that kind of philosophy can lead the rest of us to the travesty of justice that passes off as law in our days.

God, it looks like I can’t finish this story today, too.

Vanity thought #128. Krishna unhinged.

This crazy story is brought to you courtesy of the Buddhist tradition. There Krishna appears in a text called Ghata Jataka.

Jatakas are stories of the previous incarnations of Buddha, but Krishna’s case is different because there He is presented as an incarnation of one of the Buddha’s chief disciples – Sariputta.

To make it more confusing, Wikipedia claims that Sariputta was actually Krishna’s father while this source, where I got all my info from, claims Sariputta was Krishna Himself. Actually, their version of Krishna does not deserve a capital “H” in pronouns, I’ll continue using it only because Buddhist story still describes real Krishna’s pastimes.

I’m too lazy to look at Wikipedia edits, perhaps someone confused Vasudeva with short “a” and Vasudeva with long “a”. One is the father, one is the son.

Original Wikipedia edition didn’t have this mistake – Sariputta was originally Krishna, Krishna’s father was added later.

Either way – couldn’t they at least assign Krishna to one of the Buddha’s incarnation? In our tradition we treat Buddha a lot better.

I suspect the problem lies with the nature of Buddhist canon itself – it was compiled hundreds of years after Buddha’s death and Buddhism had some ideological battles thought right from the start, so accuracy of Jataka stories describing his disciples is somewhat questionable. Who’s to say it wasn’t just a ripoff of Hindu stories circulated in the country at that time. Everybody would have told it differently, to the kids, to the neighbors, to the kings.

I guess the same can be said about passing down Srimad Bhagavatam, too, but we have clear authorship and too much philosophical and religious significance attached to it to suggest any frivolous tampering with the story.

Overall I don’t know how to describe the Buddhist version better – that there are difference or that there are some similarities – glass half full/half empty.

Names are slightly changed, probably to sound more Buddhist, Devahuti was imprisoned from the very young age, she wasn’t allowed to see any man, meaning no chance to marry, and so she couldn’t have any children. The opening episode of Krishna Book, the detailed description of the incident on the chariot with the voice from the sky, Kamsa threatening to kill her on the spot, Vasudeva begging for mercy and pleading to Kamsa’s reason – none of that has ever happened in the Buddhist text.

In our view that was a very significant occurrence, I think it’s very unlikely it was only a figment of some storyteller’s imagination.

Then there was an arrangement between Devahuti and her maid (!), Nandagopa(!) to swap children at birth, so that it would appear that Devahuit had only daughters while all her sons were given to Nandagopa’s care. There was no killing of Krishna’s brothers, no escape across the Yamuna. Again, I don’t think we’ve made that story up, more likely Buddhist sources were trying various plausible scenarios to tie loose ends together .

And then it goes on and on, but it’s not the historical accuracy or authenticity that makes Jataka version interesting, it’s how Krishna was presented overall – following from yesterday’s musings on His out of Vrindavana lilas.

Yesterday I said that Krishna’s main mission in this incarnation was not about Vrindavana pastimes, it was to relieve the earth of the excess of kshatriyas, atheists, re-establish principles of religion etc.

Vrindavana lila was just a bonus, came in a gift bag. No one until Lord Chaitanya realized the actual significance of Vraja lila, certainly not Buddhists. There’s not a single word about Krishna’s time in Vrindavana in Ghata Jataka, not important from the point of view and their interests.

God, they have no idea what they have missed!

To be fair, everybody saw Krishna according to his realization and attitude. For Lord Chaitanya’s followers He is the most attractive personality in all the material and spiritual worlds. On highest levels we are not supposed to be impressed by His position as the Supreme God anymore. His greatness, His power, His position among all the other Gods and gods – none of it would matter, we would just love Him unconditionally as a cowherd boy, for what he is – son, friend, first love etc.

Actually, this highest truth about devotional service to Krishna was practically the first thing I’ve learned about Krishna Consciousness so I take is as self evident truth. In Lord Chaitanya’s discussion with Ramananda Rai I couldn’t appreciate the build up of Lord Chaitanya’s questions and Ramananda’s answers. We are all supposed to serve Krishna with unalloyed love and devotion – why didn’t he start from that?

Looking at the Buddhist view of Krishna’s pastime makes me appreciate the mystery of devotional service a bit more. It really is NOT for everybody, common souls like me can only learn about it by the causeless mercy of Lord Chaitanya’s devotees. If not for that mercy we would probably be like these Buddhists – reading about Krishna as if He was some ordinary prince.

Still, it makes an interesting comparison between how devotees see Krishna and non-believers.

Yesterday I also talked about some difficulties we might face when explaining Krishna’s pastimes to outsiders and whether He really set standards of following religion. From how ordinary people understand dharma a lot of what Krishna did was at least contradictory and some would probably condemn Him outright. I think we don’t have a really good explanation for them, not without buying into the whole Krishna Consciousness ideology.

To put it another way – Krishna’s actions make sense only to the devotees. Everybody else might get completely bewildered or even hostile. From their point of view and their understanding of dharma Krisna doesn’t make sense.

This Buddhist story is a perfect example how people might completely misunderstand everything that Krishna ever done.

They talk about a gang of ten ferocious brothers plundering the country with absolute impunity and taking by force presents meant for the king himself.

I guess it’s the reference to the garment vendor mentioned in Srimad Bhagavatam who refused to provide Krishna and Balarama with new clothing.

About a month ago I myself expressed some doubts about this particular incident and how it could have appeared to the outsiders. Well, today I’ve got the confirmation – some outsiders took the vendor’s side.

There’s a treasure trove of things like this in that Jataka, I think I’d better continue tomorrow.

So far I don’t see the bridge between devotees and non-devotees here. We can’t reach to them with logic and reasoning, only devotion in their hearts can make them see Krishna and appreciate His lessons in dharma.

Maybe this realization is of a more absolute nature than little disagreements over some “facts” in obscure Jataka tale.

Anyway, more on the matter tomorrow.

Vanity thought #127. Krishna lila.

What’s the first answer that comes to your head when you are asked about Krishna lila? What is it?

I bet everyone and his dog would start talking about Vrindavan and gopis and cows and rasa dance and Srimati Radharani. But is it?

I suspect Krishna appeared on this Earth for a different purpose, you know the eighth incarnation in dasa avatara, had different ideas about what He should do here.

Sure, growing up in Vrindavan gave us a glimpse of what Krishna does in His own abode but Vrindavan is not part of this Earth, is it? When Krishna was growing up in Vrindavan He wasn’t really on Earth, doing His avatara duties, He was just being Himself.

I’d posit that Krishna lila was everything before and after the Vrindavan period, and it was for the benefit of all conditioned souls, not just Krishna’s own pleasure.

To support this idea I’d point out that no one had any idea of Vrindavan pastimes for a long, long time, until Srila Vyasadev included them in Srimad Bhagavatam. Out of Vrindavan lila, on the other hand, was very well known even from Mahabharata. Furthermore, until Lord Chaitanya and six gosvamis revealed the glory of Vrindavan no one even knew where it was.

Vrindavan pastimes were a very well kept secret, only the highest of all devotees in the entire universe were in on it, nobody else, and even many of those who knew didn’t think it was a very big deal.

Thanks to Lord Chaitanya here, He really put the priorities in order and clearly established ultimate supremacy of Vrindavan and Krishna’s pastimes there for the entire human race, but, however important, it was only a small part of Krishna’s advent, the one that He, understandably, didn’t really want to advertise Himself.

Krishna’s official agenda was to relieve the Earth from the burden of excess of warriors and kshatriyas. That was the goal, the main purpose, in the context of earthly history, and sidetracking into cow tending and sneaking out with girls kind of takes away the focus.

From that point of view, I don’t think it’s very wise to ignore many of the wonderful pastimes Krishna displayed in pursuing this main goal of His incarnation. Everybody knows we have that tendency and some of us take it a little bit too far.

There’s nothing wrong with submerging oneself in Vrindavana katha but if it comes at the expense of the rest of Krishna’s adventures it is kind of ungrateful, I would say. Krishna spent over a hundred years fixing our problems and we go “pff, not important”.

I won’t mention certain trend in certain circles to concentrate on “higher” knowledge, on “post graduate” vaishnava education, but even within our ISKCON when we talk about translating more books into English it’s usually about works of the six gosvamis, not Mahabharata, for example.

I know it would be technically impossible for us to translate the entire Mahabharata at this point but bringing to the general devotee population stories directly connected with Krishna would serve so much good to our community.

It would also be less risky than publishing esoteric writings of the gosvamis, let’s face it – most of us are not qualified to dabble in most of that stuff.

On second thought, perhaps we are not ready for many of Krishna’s tricks from post Vrindavan pastimes, too.

I mean Krishna really redefined what dharma is. I wouldn’t recommend it as a reading in grade school where we are supposed to teach children about the importance of honesty, for example. Not many people can easily tie up those old school lessons with what Krishna did during the Battle of Kurukshetra.

At one point Krishna Himself admitted that they couldn’t have won the battle without cheating. It should be mentioned that the rule book was thrown out somewhere midway through the battle by Kauravas, they dropped it first, yet in our schools we teach children that cheating is never acceptable, even if the other side does it. We teach our children that justice will be eventually served anyway.

That’s an interesting point – everywhere in our popular culture justice ultimately prevails without breaking rules. The hero always overcomes serial killers and criminals without stooping to their level and every horror flick ends in the morning with massive police presence finally establishing their authority.

There are deviations, like the 24 series or Dr House and Nurse Jackie but rule bending heroes in those stories are presented as deeply troubled characters having a great difficulty reconciling the necessity with the moral values.

Krishna didn’t have those difficulties. He ordered Maharaja Yudhishthira to go and lie instead of doing it Himself, because, you know, no one would believe Krishna but Yudhishthira never told a lie in his life. Krishna advised Bhima to hit Duryodhana below the waist, too.

If it was Karate Kid movies Krishna would be the obnoxious dojo owner, not Mister Miyata.

So yeah, explaining these things away, and marrying sixteen thousands times, too, is not going to be easy. I don’t think we have a bullet proof explanation ourselves. We have a very thin thread that we have to follow precisely and if one really wants to confuse us with questions there it’s gonna be super easy.

Krishna appears to establish principles of dharma but much of what He was doing was kind of exactly the opposite. Lord Ramachandra had one wife, that was a perfect couple and a perfect example for everyone to follow. Can’t say the same for Krishna, can we? Certainly not in the marriage category.

I don’t think Lord Ramachandra has ever deviated from the path of dharma as the world knew it. His great strength was in surviving through all adversities and not flinching even a bit. Lord Lakshmana was, like, “Oh, come on, forget the rules, let’s go and bash their heads in or something” but Lord Rama had always stopped Him. “Not a good example” was His main argument.

Krishna Himself said that whatever an important person does, others naturally follow. Yet in quite a few cases we are warned not to imitate His own behavior.

Perhaps I could reconcile it as follows – the greatest dharma ever, the best among all other religious principles, is doing whatever Krishna wants. Not widely accepted ideas of what is right and what is wrong.

Perhaps the world is not ready to accept this highest religious principle of all but that is because we want to live by our own rules, and they have to be fair to every aspiring little god here. In a sense it’s “when someone’s playing God don’t spoil his game by doing things you don’t want to be done to yourself when it’s your turn to pretend.”

We live in a democracy here – everybody gets the same shot at being God, so we have to be accommodating to each other. No such problem with Krishna. He IS God, He doesn’t need to accommodate anyone else.

Giving Him whatever He wants is the highest, and the only religious duty of every other living being. There’s no question of “but will others think”, the others are supposed to help each other satisfy Krishna. Whoever can give the most is assisted by everybody else and if we don’t get enough resources to give we don’t take them from others, either.

I think we should investigate deeper how sixteen thousand wives could share one husband, I bet we can learn a lot from that accomplishment.

Vanity thought #126. Give me a little maya.

For the past few days I was struggling with “trinad api sunichena” verse. It just doesn’t compute in my brain.

I do sort of accept the attitude but I don’t feel it whatsoever. I might force my mind into respecting people but this respect is only artificial, it doesn’t come from the heart. Occasionally I catch myself treating people with supreme disdain, and not only because I am a “devotee”, most often because of some material considerations.

Altogether I can’t describe by real attitude as anything else but condescending.

If I was approaching Krishna in any sense it would have felt completely opposite.

Hmm, that’s not entirely true, I take it back, as a kanishtha adhikari it’s entirely natural to feel superiority towards others.

That admission, however, opens another can of worms – I expect myself to be on a slightly more advanced platform after all these years. It’s too hard to accept that I haven’t progressed very far, if at all.

Next line, “taror iva sahishnuna”, is completely incomprehensible. What does tolerance mean in practice? Is it about chanting in a hot car without complains? I sort of understand how a tree would behave there, but there’s certainly more to it. A tree, in addition to not complaining about anything, also provides shade to the person who is going to chop it down in a minute.

How to translate that into practice? How to cultivate this attitude? Total mystery.

Maybe it means not feeling animosity to people who attack us in any way. Yeah, occasionally I can do that, but, I bet the key to being a tree is to NEVER snap. The success in being a tree is not in how long I keep patience but in never ever snapping. If I snap – I’m not a tree at all. Every outburst of anger resets me back to square one. Then I start all over again, there’s no other choice, it’s completely natural and it’s all very logical.

The demand of the verse, however, is to maintain the “taror iva sahishuna” always, and also chant the Holy Names at the same time. Without it very no progress. Evidently.

Then there’s “amanina” – no desire for respect from others. I find that totally impossible. Absolutely. No way. Even pretending doesn’t work for any period of time.

Finally there’s “manadena” – offering respect to others. It’s probably the easiest, we, including me, offer respects all the time to all kinds of people even outside of the devotional circles. Judging by how the previous three demands go I think I don’t even understand what offering respect means, it’s highly unlikely that I’m so successful with it, relatively speaking.

Okay, I understand that point – my large ego gets in the way. The real problem is that I don’t actually see it. Whenever I do some remotely devotional service see my own insignificance. Whenever I observe any degree of success I realize that it is only possible by Krishna’s grace and for His own pleasure, too. Whenever I try to do something I realize that I have no qualifications and it’s only by Krishna’s arrangement that anything ever happens.

The result is – I don’t see my ego anymore. But it’s still there.

So one day I thought it would be good to pray to the Lord to relieve me from the burden of my ego. I prayed to Krishna to show me my real position so that I would become humbler, false ego comes from imperfect knowledge, from the lack of real vision. By Krishna’s mercy that can be corrected.

So far I’ve got only half of the blessing.

By Krishna’s mercy I’ve been shown the size of the thing, now I know how big my ego is, at least I have an estimate – too big for me to handle. Maybe even bigger than that.

The problem is – I can’t do anything with the ego of this size tied to my chest – my hands can’t reach anything, I can’t see the path in front of me – it is a very very inconvenient thing to carry.

What now? How is it any better?

When I didn’t know how big my ego was I could go anywhere and do anything, there were literally no limits. Want to start another blog and even call it “FakeKrishna” – no problem, I’ll just pray to the Lord and He will help.

With a huge ego I can’t even pray anymore. No sound comes out of my heart at all.

When I didn’t know my ego was so big I could whip up a long post here anytime anywhere. With the full weight of it bearing on my heart I can’t find any inspiration at all, my heart is suffocating.

Whatever comes into my mind I now perceive as insincere.

Technically, I just became more aware and more sensitive about the sphere of my interests. Every little bump or prick sends my mind into a frenzy.

This post, in the meantime, is getting just as long as any other and it should be the proof that I’m wrong but my intention today was to write about Krishna, not about my wounded pride, but that’s all I can talk about, I’ve even chanted extra four or five rounds before sitting down – nothing about Krishna at all.

Now I’m aware of my problem but it’s only half the job – I expected the problem to become smaller.

What is the use of this half blessing, what is the use of this knowledge if it can’t cut my ego to a manageable size? And isn’t it better to wade in ignorance instead? Seriously, ISKCON had years of spectacular growth led by people who, later turned out, were not as advanced in their Krishna consciousness as expect. When they were opening one temple after another and bringing new devotees by thousands they just didn’t know that only a few years later they would be doing something else, it was completely unthinkable at the time yet their efforts were still very effective. Would they have done the same things with the same enthusiasm if they knew what was going to happen to them? What kind of effect it could have had on their faith?

Does it mean little maya here and there might actually be useful?

Isn’t it better to avoid wounding my ego in order for me to achieve anything at all? I always assumed that regularly punching my ego is good for me, keeps me in place, keeps me humble. At this moment, however, it keeps me bleeding and requiring sutures and rest. Is it making me humbler? I don’t see how.

I’d like to chant my rounds without thinking about my problems but that seems to be impossible.

Krishna, please send you maya back.

Or, at least, I need an explanation and assurances that this pain is not in vain.

Vanity thought #125. Parasitism.

Continuing from yesterday’s topic – why do I worship Krishna? Isn’t He a bit of pippilikhanda for me?

The question actually arouse from another, pretty innocent one – why does Krishna play in Vrindavan? The standard answer – because He wants to enjoy all kinds of rasas that are not available in His other forms. He wants to have some “me” time, hang out with friends, enjoy some homemade cooking, chase some chicks.

Even in this world big people strive for that kind of simple pleasures. They get tired of being bosses and having everybody kissing their asses, they want some normal, down to earth relationships with normal, loving and caring people, too. Usually, everyone around them just wants something, either money or a promotion or a place in the spotlight, everybody has some ulterior motive they are not even hiding it very well.That must be annoying. Not all the time, obviously, but sometimes it gets on the nerves.

Instead of enjoying all the benefits the power, money and glory they have to deal with these bloodsuckers, these parasites who would probably stab them in the back at the first chance. I guess it feels awful when simple thank you is never enough, you always have to give something in return, people always expect favors from you.

Now imagine Krishna, the biggest boss of them all. Bill Gates is a nobody comparing to Him, Steve Jobs is a nobody comparing to Him. Presidents, Prime Ministers – an endless stream of faces from a mediocre planted in some tiny universe. None of these faces even register in Krishna’s mind. They do not even intend to register in His mind, and those are the greatest people we know.

Above them are demigods, hundreds and thousands of them, and they are all serving and worshiping, they all need attention. Then there are other universes, and that’s just at this particular moment in time. How many of them have come and gone since the beginning of time?

There is just so much begging and praying going on. And then there are Vaikunthas where Krishna is really obliged to provide for everybody no matter what.

Everybody, just everybody wants something from Him in exchange for useless gifts, like sacrificial horses or rice and ghee. Krishna doesn’t even need any of this stuff, yet He’s being offered more and more every single moment and He has to repay for every sacrifice.

Basically, the entire universe is like a one giant parasite, feeding off Him, they (we) all want Him to provide us with all kinds of pleasures and our appetites are insatiable.

No wonder Krishna delegates all these duties to His expansions. He doesn’t want to deal with parasites personally. He doesn’t want a headache of figuring out how to arrange everybody’s enjoyment without entangling them deeper in the material world.

That brings up the thought of gratitude to Krishna’s expansions that still haven’t given up on us and still accept our demands for more materialism and deal with us and never fail.

But then a devotee comes along, and, suddenly, the whole relationship is turned upside down. A devotee doesn’t want anything from the Lord, he just offers himself unconditionally. He won’t bite off the arm if you give him a hand, in his company Krishna can completely relax and finally be Himself.

That’s what He needs Vrindavan for – a place He can call home, a place where He is loved just for who He is. Actually He wouldn’t even want to be addressed with capital H there. In Vrindavan He is a nobody – a brother, a friend, a son, a boy, and I bet sometimes He is shy and scared of the girls, too. What if they don’t like Him?

So, keeping this in mind – what kind of soul am I? At least for now I behave like a perfect parasite. I remember Krishna only when I need something from Him. When I pray to Him I ask for my own comfort and pleasures. I might put an intelligence watch on it sometimes and stop my mind from openly asking for material benedictions but if I’m totally honest with myself I can agree that in my heart I’m not a devotee.

At the very best I’m a parasite who has found a perfect host to feed on. And the best part is that I might get some spiritual benefit from relying on Krishna instead of some demoniac bosses, too.

Here, I’ve done it again – looking for my own benefits.

So, honestly, why do I worship Krishna? He is not the one who is granting my kind of wishes, He is not the guardian angel, serving conditioned souls souls since 150 trillion years B.C. Why do I bother Him?

Isn’t it like taking that ill fated pippilikhanda?

If I only ask for things, wouldn’t it annoy Krishna to no end and He’d remember that when, or if, I ever make it to His circle?

What if I cry “Krishna, Krishna” day and night and He finally decides to show His mercy, and all I ask for is a new tablet computer? If I were Him I’d say “Get your damn computer from the guy minding the storeroom and don’t bother me anymore. I don’t want to hear your voice ever again, capisce?”

I think it would be a very natural reaction, and Krishna is a person, right? So He can get annoyed, right?

Hmm, somehow it doesn’t feel right – bothering Him with every little problem.

Or, perhaps, it’s our evil strategy – annoy Krishna to no end and when He’ll want to finally do something about us, tell Him: “Just grant me devotional service and you’ll never hear me begging you for anything ever again”.

Brilliant – make it His problem and propose Him a solution He would appreciate Himself.

That’s one very crafty parasite here.

Well, whatever works. The end goal is certainly worth it. It is really the best solution for everyone.

The problem lies, of course, in our hearts – even Krishna Himself can’t simply implant love for Him in there. He can take away our illusions, He can take away our material desires, but He can’t make us love Him. This is something we should do ourselves.

Krishna will help. He will bring this horse to water but we should drink ourselves, and learning that takes time.

Thank God we have the Holy Names that make is so much easier.

Vanity thought #124. Pippalikhanda

One day Lord Chaitanya, without addressing anyone in particular, said this thing:

The medicine ‘pippalikhanda’ was prepared to cure the excess phlegm but instead it increased the phlegm in the body

What he meant was that while He had descended to deliver the whole world and freely distribute love of God His ecstatic chanting seemed to have the opposite effect on some people. The same medicine that was supposed to cure the world had made it worse.

What happened is that people got offensive towards His chanting and vaishnavas in general, too, and due to these offenses they only made their fate worse. If I have no taste for chanting the Holy Name and commit all kinds of nama aparadhas, what should I expect from total strangers? All kinds of things, mockery not excluded, and it was just the same five hundred years ago.

To remedy this situation Lord Chaitanya decided to take sannyasa because in those days no one was offensive towards sannyasis. Sannyasis, even crazy ones, singing “Gopi Gopi”, couldn’t be ridiculed.

I’m sure we all know that we apply the same logic to improve preaching, too. If we want to be taken seriously we should appeal to the people in a way that attracts their respect and attention. Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati even had a Rolls Royce just for these occasions. I’m sure Srila Prabhupada did something similar, too, though I can’t think of a situation where He wasn’t offered immediate respect.

That is not my concern, however. What concerns me today is whether I’ve taken pippalikhanda myself. Have I ever done something, partaken in something too spiritual for me to appreciate, and have I committed any offenses while I was at it?

Have I offended the water of Radha Kunda, for example? Or have behaved inappropriately in a company of some very exalted devotee? I think I can answer yes and yes, probably. Probably a lot more than that, too.

When I was young I was very eager for all kinds of potent spiritual things. The more sacred the better, bring it on, I’ll take it all. Now I’m probably paying for those mistakes.

Was I a fool? I most certainly was. Could I behave differently? I don’t see how. If one does not have spiritual intelligence he is bound to commit this kind of mistakes, it’s unavoidable, part of the learning process.

The worrying part, though, is trying to estimate how far back those frivolous actions had set me. What happens to those immature devotees who manage to deeply offend Krishna? They lose all the taste, they lose opportunities, they lose service. All these things happened to me, and I can see they happen to countless number of other devotees.

Personally, I think I’m set in these punishing conditions for life, or at least for many many years ahead. Most probably I won’t have the chance to relive the exciting days of my youth, days when I served the sankirtana mission without any reservations, days when I was given a chance to be a pujari, a chance to be a leader – they are all gone. Not in this lifetime, I don’t see how it’s possible.

One does not become a worry free brahmachari twice. Now I have to find other ways to serve the Lord and His devotees, and while it might not be too hard, it’s certainly not as involving anymore – too much baggage, too many other duties and concerns.

So, if one screws up with taking too much pippalikhanda his devotional service is arrested at least for the duration of this life. That’s the starting point in trying to estimate the damage.

From this point I can forget going back to Krishna, too. I’ll get another chance in the next life, hopefully, I will be born in another family of meat eaters, meet the next incarnations of the same devotees, get a chance to serve the same mission, and, hopefully, I will keep the memory of my mistakes deep in my heart.

After all, I do have some boundaries that I wouldn’t cross no matter how stupidly I behave. There are situations where I’m compelled to shut up and stop – couldn’t they be memories of my previous mistakes?

Maybe some lifetimes ago I was given a chance to personally serve my guru and I mistook him for an equal, committed an offense, and now I just back off when there’s a scramble for his lotus feet. I do not have a complex or anything, I do whatever little personal service that comes my way, but I sometimes see too much eagerness in other devotees to be closer to the guru and I feel like it is too dangerous and they expose themselves to serious risks.

It’s just the feeling, mind you, I’ve never expressed it in words, I’ve never even expressed it in thoughts – I’m just compelled to stand back by some superior force. It could be the memory of a hard lesson learned lifetimes ago.

That’s how hell is supposed to act on people, I believe – they just become physically incapable of committing the same sins again, their subconscious just stops them right away. I don’t know where these memories of hell are stored, not in our brains, that’s unlikely our current bodies carry anything from our previous births but I think our souls have imprints left, though.

Or look at it another way – we all have practically the same exposure to the philosophy and we all have the same understanding of the basics. Yet our abilities to follow and implement the theory are vastly different. We have no problems explaining why – different experiences in previous lives. Before appearing here some have advanced more, some less.

Well, but doesn’t it mean, in practice, that some of us, in our previous lives, have had bitter experiences of committing vaishnava aparadhas, for example, so those devotees abhor any thought of listening to offensive speech let alone indulging themselves. There are plenty of others, sadly, who think there’s nothing wrong with criticizing devotees.

What it means that some people have approached the devotees before, got the taste of the nectar of serving them, made mistakes and were banished, and now they are back and don’t do the same thing again.

The point is – too much of a good thing can be very dangerous. It is probably a sign that an offense is about to occur and the thing will be taken from us.

Basically, this pippalikhanda argument is for slow and steady, cautious, step by step progress, patiently waiting for little crumbs of devotion instead of rushing to the Sun and burning off our wings, as happed to Icarus in Greece.

On the other hand, without getting close and feeling the heat we probably won’t get the taste that would allow us to be patient on the next approach.

Or look at it yet another way – didn’t Lord Chaitanya appeared as a devotee because it would have been a lot easier to teach love of God when He could practice it Himself and teach by His own example? So, when it didn’t work in some cases He adjusted it – if people didn’t automatically accept devotees hot with prema as an authority, Lord Chaitanya would appear as a sannyasi, just as hot but not as approachable so no one got burned?

Mistakes or not, but the Lord clearly goes out of His way to help us go back to Him.

Vanity thought #123. Krishna’s limits.

Of course He doesn’t have any but I assign Him limits anyway, most often subconsciously, which is even worse since it means I am not aware of what we are thinking.

It occurred to me today when I was posting a new blog entry for Fake Krishna.

It was supposed to be a simple affair – God is not personally responsible for every natural disaster there is, this world is perfect and complete, it works on its own, under the influence of time and modes of material nature.

Yet, undeniably, the Lord is ultimately and closely involved with this world, too.

How closely?

That’s the idea of imposing limits on Him struck me. God interfered to help His devotees and punish demons, we know as much, but how many demons and devotees are there? Billions and billions, they might not all appeal to Krishna per se, but need some attention anyway.

Every time some demoniac people cause trouble to anyone praying to God in whatever form, God is obliged to step in and do something about it. He can’t draw lines like Christians, He is the benefactor of every living soul, He helps every living entity every time it appeals to Him in whatever shape or form.

Equally, he begs every demon to stop harassing good people, too, and that also does not go unnoticed – there ARE effects on how people act afterwards.

It means there are countless, read limitless interferences by the Lord in actions of this world. In fact it’s difficult to say where pure, impersonal karma is and where God’s hands grease its wheel.

Meaning it’s quite possible to imagine that nearly every act of nature has the hand of God behind it, facilitating, mitigating, instigating – He just has to do those things, luckily for us.

What then becomes of our argument – God is not the reason for our suffering? Sure, we deserve all our suffering, but it’s God’s discretion to modify our perceptions of it in any way He deems necessary.

There are literally no limits to what Krishna can do for His devotees, but I still can’t get my mind around it. So imagine this latest tornado that killed over a hundred people in the US. It is pretty sure that among the victims there were some who prayed to God, even in the form of Jesus, not only everyday but also while their houses were blown apart.

There’s just no way Krishna, or rather Paramatma, didn’t try to either lessen their pain or provide them with better opportunities in the next life.

Now, imagine that God saved someone’s life. Easy to say, but what it means for the rest of the world? We have one more living person than we supposed to have. It means there need to be a job, a new house, a new family, perhaps, hundreds of new Facebook friends, countless people would have to provide the assistance – water words, electricity, cable, internet.

What if that person has new children? What if that person becomes a political leader and changes the lives of millions?

I don’t have enough imagination to enumerate all possible ways in which that little act of saving someone’s life can have on the running of the rest of the city, country, or the world. What if he saves thousands in one day? Ten years down the road and it’s like an entire city has sprung up.

Can it be done? To suggest otherwise means put limits on Krishna. Krishna can rejig the entire cosmic karma faster than this thought occurs to my mind. And what’s more – it would all look perfectly logical and flawless, nothing, not a single detail will be missing, no loose ends, no holes in the universe – no matter how much we know about this particular situation, we won’t even suspect there was an interference.

Another question – is Krishna lazy? When I think about how much should be done I feel like it’s a lot of work. Does Krishna ever feels this way? Does He compare what would be easier – let this person live now and rearrange everything, or put Him into the next body where he belongs?

What if there are tens of thousands of lives at stake, like during the Japanese tsunami, or hundreds of thousands like during the tsunami in the Indian ocean?

The answer must be absolute, again, because I can’t imagine Krishna going: “Okay, I can take care of ten, maybe twenty people, two thousand is too much work, you don’t know how many things need to be fixed.”

On the other hand, when Krishna personally appears here He doesn’t seem to interfere at will. Either as Lord Rama or Krishna or Lord Chaitanya, there were plenty of examples where He tried to behave like a normal human being first, resorting to His divine powers only when nothing else worked.

That is incomprehensible, unless the explanation is that Krishna really delegates all the heavy lifting to the Supersoul and all the demigods. Demigods, btw, are probably just hanging around waiting for a chance to run some errands for Krishna who’d rather be stealing butter and yogurt from His neighbors or roll on the ground, crying in ecstasy.

Following this logic, Krishna can replace the entire universe with all its demigods in a flash if they are not serving His needs as well as He needs them.

Actually, Lord Balarama, or Lord Nityananda, as Krishna’s first expansions, are taking all these maintenance duties on themselves. I wonder if Krishna could replace or duplicate Them if They behave not up to Krishna’s standard, or just because He wants to.

Or, perhaps, the answer is that it’s simply impossible for Balarama or Nityananda to fail in satisfying every Krishna’s desire.

One thing for maintaining Krishna’s limits – it would be impossible to have a relationship with Him if there were no limits on what He can do. We must see Him as limited at least in some ways. We decorate the Deities to make the MORE beautiful, for example. We can’t live the Deity without a crown – it would be incomplete.

And what will happen if we meet Krishna face to face? Offer Him food because He is hungry? And He gets hungry, He can eat a lot and still ask for more, but only from selected people.

Hmm, looks like Krishna is limitless, and that would be like it is described by mayavadis, but to devotees He has an infinity of limitations that they, hopefully, can address by their service. Each one gets to satisfy some Krishna’s aspects, often unaware of others.

Mother Yashoda sees Krishna as a little boy, not as a maintainer of the entire material and spiritual creation.

By the same logic, I, an insignificant conditioned soul, see Krishna through the prism of my own limited experience and I naturally assume what would be easy and what would be difficult for Krishna, thus imposing limits on his powers and abilities, and that forms the basis of our current, however imperfect, relationship.

He must be laughing His socks off when I think “but can Krishna do that?” This, however, gives me the opportunity to consider my own contribution to make His life, as I imagine it, easier.

Or should I stop worrying about what I imagine to be Krishna and focus on the purification of my own heart first? I don’t think so.

Vanity thought #122. Defensive mechanism.

Another day has passed as if everything is still normal and I am coping pretty well, though sometimes I feel like burying the issue and avoiding the solution. A shrink might say that, too.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I still didn’t know whether I would go to work and lose the job I had for twelve years, or maybe not, I was still waiting for the sign. It’s not very scientific but I was listening to my conscience, or to the Supersoul, whoever would talk to me. As it happened I got more encouragement to go than to stay, in fact the “stay” feeling was very unwelcome as far as my conscience was concerned, so off I went.

As it also happened, I stood next to my boss for a couple of minutes, patiently waiting for the final conversation but it never came. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

What I have learned from today’s experience is the power of illusion – despite being a dead man walking I was courteous to everybody, very helpful, I made jokes and comforted people, I had mock fights etc etc. I can’t help but sit helplessly and watch this illusion of normalcy overtake me and silence my internal alarm – my life, as I know it, is about to end and I sit here and think about lunch?!?

I saw this man whose wife dies of cancer two weeks ago, his daughter is too small to realize what has just happened, and he played with her and gave her food and, I swear to God, they both look very very normal. This is not how I was taught to behave in the face of adversity. I expect deep sorrow, I expect extreme sadness, I expect unstoppable anxiety, yet I don’t see it, I don’t feel it myself. The only explanation I know is that Lord’s illusory potency is very very powerful.

Or maybe it’s our defensive mechanisms that overpower our nature. Maybe we are capable of lying to ourself to such a degree that we believe our own lies? We pretend that nothing has happened and we actually make ourselves feel that way, too.

Maybe I go one chanting my rounds because otherwise I would have gone crazy thinking of possible solutions? I don’t know.

There’s a story of Srivasa Pandit, one day Lord Chaitanya was dancing in his house in complete ecstasy and it so happened that at the same time Srivasa’s son died in the back room. His family called him out and told him that his son had just died. Srivasa Pandit shushed them: “Do you realize that the Supreme Personality of Godhead is dancing in our house right now? There’s nothing in this world important enough to interrupt His dance, everybody, be quiet!”

Eventually Lord Chaitanya realized what was going on and He went to see the boy’s body. To everyone’s amusement the body started to talk, and it started to beg for Lord’s mercy to be born again in the service to Lord’s lotus feet. All sorrow immediately left from everybody’s faces and the Lord Himself observed boy’s funeral rites.

Well, should I imitate Srivasa? Should I shush my anxieties? Should I tell myself that there’s nothing more important than chanting Lord’s Holy Names, and even if I don’t have any realization of Their potency, They are still present on my tongue so I must not interrupt Them?

That story of Srivasa Pandit is a very powerful example of how a devotee should deal with adversities.

What’s more, I was looking at a slide show of recent images from Vrindavana, hundreds of pictures, and I realized that this is the only moment when I’m actually alive – when I’m doing something connected to the Lord, be it chanting or thinking or looking at His form or reading books about Him. Everything else is just a time filler. One minute I’m anxious, another minute I’m hungry, next I’m peaceful – something else is always going on and is not worth remembering.

Seeing Radha Syamasundara’s everlasting beauty stops the time in its tracks – it’s the only moment that is not going to pass in vain like everything else, it’s the only moment that would stay with me, and, God willing, there will be more moments like this accumulating in my heart and, eventually, I would hate returning to awareness of the material world.

I might be trying to escape the reality but something just feels right about becoming “myself” only to wait for the next moment my mind turns to Krishna. I know I can’t stare at His face forever but I also know that after a short break I would want to see Him again, or chant His names. Eventually the breaks would appear shorter and periods of concentration would appear longer, and what more can I want?

Whatever is happening with my material body is not worth diverting attention from Krishna. I already have enough diversions, I don’t need justification to seek more. Even the thought of what is better – lose my job or fight to preserve it, is a diversion. Unfortunately I have to do it, just as I have to eat and go to the toilet afterwards, but, please, Krishna, please, don’t make me lose more time away from you than really necessary.

Then I came across this verse from Bhagavat Gita, 3.35

It is far better to discharge one’s prescribed duties, even though faultily, than another’s duties perfectly. Destruction in the course of performing one’s own duty is better than engaging in another’s duties, for to follow another’s path is dangerous.

Suddenly I knew that if my duty is to do my job than this is what I have to do, I should not even consider giving it up voluntarily, like Arjuna thought he should have done before the battle. Then, in the purport, Prabhupada writes:

… for a kṣatriya it is better to be vanquished following the rules of violence than to imitate a brāhmaṇa who follows the principles of nonviolence. Everyone has to cleanse his heart by a gradual process, not abruptly.

Two things are here – first, even if I become completely destroyed, I shouldn’t expect a sudden twist that would make me into something I am not. I’m not going to become and investment banker or a pujari. Krishna might open a new door for me but it will still be more of the same old same old.

Second thing – gradual cleansing of the heart. Gradual, nothing that happens to me would suddenly make me into a devotee, I just have to be patient and wait it out, day by day, collecting tokens like those Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wish I could type all night, unfortunately I have to go back to “real” life and continue thinking about my fate and my pride and my money. It doesn’t even make me pray more, what’s the purpose behind this calamity?

Vanity thought #121. Need a bike.

This is in reference to yet another popular culture phenomenon – vampire series of books and movies “Twilight”.

There’s this girl who falls in love with the vampire and wants to get converted, too. Her boyfriend refuses, and, understanding the danger of normal humans hanging out with vampires he disappears from her life altogether. She still loves him, though and is really really heartbroken.

Then she finds a way to bring him back in a “subtle” form – she has to do something stupid and dangerous, then her vampire love will appear before her, or his voice will sound in her ears warning her and begging her not to endanger herself. Pretty neat trick.

First she tried driving a big bike and sure enough, just before her first crash her beloved appeared before her. Then she decided to jump off the cliff and it worked again but not entirely as she hoped – her vampire spoke to her but, due to unfortunate circumstances, he thought that she actually drowned and decided to kill himself, too. That news prompted her to jump to his rescue and they lived happily ever after for another two books and movies.

It is pretty clear by now why I want to get a big bike – I hope Krishna will show Himself, too. I have practically no doubt he is watching over me every second of my life, at least via His Paramatma extension, but that’s not enough for me, I want some extra attention.

Like a little kid throwing tantrums when he feels neglected. Little brat, would be more correct.

To my credit I waited almost until the end so I don’t really need a bike, I’m about to go down in flames anyway, let’s see what Krishna will do about that. Probably nothing, He’ll let the Supersoul arrange everything as prescribed by my karma and maybe a little more but I’m no more than casually pessimistic about Krishna Himself making an appearance.

I don’t even want to test Him with the big bike theory – what if He doesn’t show up at all and just let me do whatever crazy stuff I want to? That would be heartbreaking and I’d rather keep my little illusion of Krishna caring about me to go on for a little longer.

But, as I said, time is almost up – I’m about to lose my job and with it my proud position as a provider and all kinds of other powers, and I’m about to join the ranks of good for nothing bums who can’t even support themselves and live off their hard working wives.

And I can’t say a word about Krishna aloud. He might still be supporting me, all the time, just through different people. The trouble is, those people don’t feel like being Krishna’s instruments while I sit home all day long and chant. I haven’t got one of those vedic wives, I can’t say it’s all Krishna’s arrangement while she has to bust her ass.

I don’t particularly care what people would say about me personally, as long as it doesn’t reflect on Krishna it doesn’t really matter.

So there, Krishna better show Himself and fast, I’ve got maybe a day or two until shit hits the fan. I need either a new contract or some other plan, and I haven’t got any, relying on Krishna’s arrangements for about half a year now. It looks I can’t postpone it anymore, I’m already standing on the cliff, so to speak, or, more appropriately, walking the plank off the pirate ship – it’s not my call anymore.

And here is another problem – what if I was dying tomorrow? I always assume that Krishna would show up at my death bed and take me home. Well, now is the test run and Krishna is nowhere to be seen. The prospect of death as a step into the new, spiritual world doesn’t sound so appealing anymore. It probably won’t happen, it would probably be just the same uncertainty I’m facing now – no conch shells, no Vaikuntha airplanes, no confetti or flowers, just a faint belief that Supersoul, Lord Hari, is still with me and He is doing everything in my best interests, that’s all.

Oh, and the skin of my heart would make any rhinoceros very very envious. Instead of melting down and begging Krishna for mercy I just walk around, trying to prolong facing the reality, and I don’t even know what I’m afraid of more – not having devotion to pray or being abandoned when the time comes.

As an excuse I cite the old time favorite – let me just chant the Holy Names and serve Krishna as usual and He’ll take care of everything. Well, it works with devotees, I’m just a pretender, I can point to a millions of reasons why Krishna should avoid me for the time being, I’m just not qualified for mercy. It happens, it will come, just not this time.

So instead of facing my problem with full determination and fully absorbed in prayers, I’m typing yet another long, self-gratifying post here.

I think I know what the problem is – I don’t have enough devotion to fully absorb myself in prayer, I postpone and postpone surrendering my life and soul and now the life is slipping out of my hands. My pride and my dignity are at stake and I can’t afford playing a helpless devotee – everyone would just laugh at Krishna instead.

I’m sorry I put Him in this position, I tried to avoid it but nothing worked, just like this morning something told me to change the direction and NOT go to the main office where I would have been confronted right away, that maneuver won me another day and gave me a chance to prepare my next move. All in vain, though – the day has passed and nothing came to mind.

What to do? No idea, maybe I’ll ditch the work tomorrow and chant more rounds at home instead. I don’t think my reason is like that of Arjuna before the battle – I’m not giving up and renouncing my life, I’m simply thinking how to soften the landing, the only thing I really need is some due wages and I don’t really need those if it would mean a fully blown walkout scandal.

I think I’ll do the most cowardly thing and postpone the decision until tomorrow morning and then just try to wing it. Just like today, Krishna will find the way to stop me in my tracks if he wants to, and if not, I’ll just get whatever is coming.

Vanity thought #120. Hard lessons.

Well, that Fake Krishna thing is not going to take care of itself, it needs a lot of work, investment in time, brainpower, reading up on the latest stuff, studying the target audience, brown nosing etc.etc.

Without a talent for this kind of thing the only chance for it to succeed is extraordinary dedication and, basically, “living on a prayer”. Speaking of songs, watched the much talked about Glee today, finally, and, I have to admit, they’ve got some catchy tunes there. As an excuse I can say that I can’t even think about conquering the twitter universe without basic knowledge of the, oh, just one of the most famous TV dramas in the recent history.

Favorite quote so far:

That’s how you get better – singing with people who are better than you.

Can say exactly the same thing about becoming a better devotee, often slips my mind, what with my pride and all.

Anyway, when I look at the amount of work needed to be done I get very mixed feelings about the whole Fake Krishna idea. Not that it’s bad, no, not at all, I still think it would be brilliant if I can pull it off, I’ve got mixed feelings about doing this extra mile.

To be honest, I haven’t stressed myself for ages, I don’t remember when was the last time I did anything so demanding against my will, for the higher purpose, for the future benefits.

Just as I watched Glee I realized that there’s a whole world out there, competing, squeezing every last bit of energy, last drop of sweat, all in “pursuit of happiness”, and now I have to step into this world myself? Hmm, I spent my entire life trying to avoid this rat race, was I wrong?

From Krishna consciousness point of view there’s nothing wrong with making extra effort for Krishna, Srila Prabhupada left for an unknown country at the age of seventy, after all, what is my little adventure comparing to that? Come to think of it, nothing ever comes without a sacrifice, I just forgot how to do that.

Suddenly I feel like a teenager again, presented with equally appalling choices of what I want to do with my life. I feel like a thirty something bachelor without anything in my life to show for it.

People open Govinda restaurants, start their own businesses, devise new preaching programs, build temples – none of it comes easy, all these endeavors require enormous sacrifices and putting one’s own interests on the back burner. Unless you’ve done it yourself you can’t really describe the gravity of it, and now I feel like I haven’t learned anything yet and my life has been a waste because I always took an easy road.

I mean, I argued that mode of passion is not really something I should strive for, there are plenty of examples and lessons in our books that one should be satisfied with whatever one has and anything above that leads to entanglement.

Just look how it normally goes – you fall in love, suddenly you start to care, then there’s a baby on the way and you grow out of boys’ nights out, you take up a new job, new projects, climb the ladder – for the family. And that’s how all great things in life are built, aren’t they?

In Krishna consciousness we are not out to build great things, all the examples of best devotees from Lord Chaitanya’s time are poor, humble souls, many literally starving.

So, why should I go into the world, receive tons of undesirable association, pollute my feeble mind with wrong attitudes and values and, potentially, commit a suicide as a devotee (speaking as fake Krishna is a very risky business)?

The generic answer is, of course, to spread Krishna’s glory. Right, I’m not so sure about that. More like to give me an excuse to surf the interwebs and read up on all the juicy gossip. I already do that, of course, and now I’ve figured out the way to turn that into something useful for Krishna, or is it just an excuse not to give up my internet addiction?

That’s the question I can’t answer straight away. First, I will have to give reading all my usual stuff – it won’t cut if I want to be on the edge, I will have to read stuff other people like, not me. Hmm, does that mean that I will be doing this for Krishna, after all?

Possibly – I have this propensity to sit on the computer whole day long and write really long blog posts, but so far I have been doing it only for myself. Now Krishna wants to use this propensity for His own satisfaction, not for mine – as much as I like the internet, there are some blind spots there I thought I would never ever go in my life, like watching Oprah, and her last shows are going to be the talk of the town for weeks to come. When Larry King retired I was proud that I managed to avoid the entire brouhaha, and I firmly stayed away from Will&Kate marriage.

For Fake Krishna events like this must be the staple, he cannot be restricted only to the stuff I like.

At this point I’m really not sure if it is worth it at all. What if it eats into my devotee related surfing as well?

Bottom line – I still don’t like the Fake Krishna idea that much to drastically change my life for, it is kind of my baby but it’s not a baby, I am not attached to it yet, so far I haven’t sacrificed a moment of my time, just did it when I liked it.

Another thing, and it’s far more important – is Krishna Himself on board with this? He let me start it off quite easily, there are plenty of pet projects of mine that never ever got off the ground, I even learned to dismiss them with a light heart if I sensed the force was not with me. When setting Fake Krishna twitter and wordpress accounts went so smoothly I thought it was going to be blessed by the Lord, now, when I have to nurture it, I don’t feel it anymore.

Right from the start I made it the main condition – Krishna has to be on board and very supportive, and very protective of me or it will all end in ruin for both of us.

Ah, well, I’m ranting.

Tomorrow is a new day, let’s see how it goes.

One positive result is there already – I’ve been thinking of Krishna the whole day, so what if it was only one tweet today that no one read?