Vanity thought #505. Self-medication

Sometimes Krishna shows us His mercy and that temporarily cures us of our material disease. Sometimes, however, it feels like we need to self-medicate.

Actually, I don’t think there’s such a thing as self-administration of Krishna conscious medicine – Krishna is the only one who dispenses it, but let’s say it’s possible, that He notices our efforts and slips us some pills off the record.

Normally we would concentrate on our sadhana, on our japa and reading, but what if that’s not enough? What if it doesn’t bring about the desired intensity? It’s the intensity that I’m talking about here, not the ecstasy or goose bumps or any other pleasurable emotions.

If we are hooked on pleasant feelings we are bound to measure them via our material senses and that would only mislead us. I think intensity is the better measurement as it doesn’t depend on how we feel, only on how seriously we take our relationships with the Lord.

What if our mind wanders off the pages of Prabhupada’s books, what if it daydreams when we chant, what if it merely glances at the form of the Deities?

I think this lack of intensity is comparable to how soldiers feel when they return from war, or how adrenaline junkies feel in a crochet lesson. Maybe these are not the best examples but the yearning to transcend the daily routine and get back on the edge should be comparable.

That’s when I don’t want to wait for Krishna’s mercy and would gladly incur His anger instead, if it would jolt me out of my slumber. Somehow I observe that going through some difficulties is a much better method than being “happily engaged”, and if Krishna doesn’t send me enough problems, I’d create some myself.

I don’t know – pick up a fight, postpone japa until bed time and then struggle to stay awake, anything.

Queen Kunti knew that problems in her life where actually blessings, and that’s what I want, too. Also devotees of Lord Chaitanya were happy to be chastised by the Lord because that was better than not being noticed at all.

All in all, I’m in a good company, just need to find a way to make Krishna angry at me.

So it’s not self-medication after all, it’s trying to poison oneself hoping to get doctor’s attention quicker. I hope it works.

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