Vanity thought #474. Retreat

Some Sundays are better and some are worse. Today is one of those days where I look at my life and wonder where it is going. Just yesterday I thought about exercising my freedom but today I’m afraid this might not be the right way to go.

In Bhagavad Gita Krishna talks about everyone acting according to their svabhava, their nature, and that was what I meant by exercising freedom – finding svabhava, but in the midst of Sunday family outing I don’t know what my svabhava is and what is svabhava of my body. There are so many things it wants and craves for it would be impractical to test them all.

There’s also a threat to developing humility – if I seriously consider myself advanced enough to decide what service I can do all on my own I’m probably losing it.

Furthermore, if I decide that my svabhava can be sacrificed for the mission of Lord Chaitanya and simply ignore it as something unavoidable then it would also mean giving myself a lot of credit again, even if for a good cause.

Pity, it actually sounds like a good idea – yes, we all have to act according to our own nature and so we should manage it properly, but why should we bother about it if we want to become devotees of Lord Chaitanya? What is it so important we can do with ourselves comparing to what we can do for the Lord?

Why should we care what happens to us at all? Shouldn’t it disappear from our radar as we put interests of guru and Krishna first?

Some people are very critical of our fallen gurus, laying all the blame on their immaturity and extracting important lessons for the rest of us. I don’t see the point in that – what those people did was to sacrifice their own spiritual comfort and their own spiritual progress in order to spread Krishna consciousness.

Some people say that we should save ourselves first and only then think of helping other people, therefore those devotees shouldn’t have taken sannyasa so early in life. I tend to think that those early days gurus didn’t worry about their own wellbeing, they just wanted to go out and save other people by telling them about Krishna. In this situation Krishna personally takes care about their spiritual safety. The fact that they have apparently deviated from the devotional path doesn’t mean anything, their bodies must live according to the laws of nature and laws of karma, Krishna is interested in the state of their souls. He knows perfectly well what goes on in their hearts while we haven’t got a clue.

So, perhaps foregoing interests of our own svabhava is not such a bad thing to do, freedom can wait, there are millions of people who need spiritual knowledge and mercy of devotees, maybe we should think about them first. That would be acting in the interests of Krsihna, there’s nothing better than doing that.

Oh, Sundays are so confusing.

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