Vanity thought #464. Drowning

The stars have colluded against me and overwhelmed me with irksome problems. For two days in a row I’m battling an old notebook that refuses to get anything installed and working on it. If they gave me a dollar for every reboot and every attempt at installing an OS I’d be already rich, would have been best two day business in my life. Unfortunately no one pays me for it and all I get instead is misery and crankiness.

I have also completely lost my footing, I don’t know day from night and feeding time from sleeping time. I don’t even have time to observe all the things that come into my field of vision, let alone make sense of them. My mind is completely obsessed with technicalities and I barely have time to complete my daily duties.

It’s one of those days…

Actually, I have come to like situations like this. It happens a couple of times per year so I’m not surprised, I’m rather prepared.

I don’t even try to get my life back, I let it go and simply remember Krishna in the midst of it all. I know that I can’t form any cohesive thoughts about Him or Krishna consciousness and even when I sit down for mandatory daily reading I can’t concentrate on anything, but that is not my goal – my goal is to remember Him through thick and thin.

It’s easy to be “Krishna conscious” when everything is in the mode of goodness, it’s not a big achievement at all, but try to stay “Krishna conscious” when your head is completely messed up and you’ll see how rewarding it actually is.

Remembrance of Krishna is transcendental to the modes of nature, mind and body might do whatever they want without having any effect on one’s memory of Krishna, as long as we see it as separate from the mind and senses, of course.

Having messed up mind is an opportunity to see ourselves as separate from it, and see that we can maintain our consciousness regardless of what mind does. We take troubles and tribulations as results of our previous karma, inside we try to stay as calm as the ocean while externally we look as if we are going to blow up like a bomb at any moment.

It is also a glimpse of what will come at the moment of our death. Even under the best circumstances we can’t expect to have an equilibrium of the mind at the time of leaving the body. I bet we’ll feel very very disturbed and disoriented.

I’m not saying I got a handle on it now but at least I know how I could try to remember Krishna despite severe mental disturbances.

More importantly – this is when I realize that remembering the image of Krishna Damodara is all we actually need. When we reflect on this pastime and analyze it in great details and many aspects we are engaging our minds. This is great, but this also implies having actual minds ready to be used. When the mind goes away all we have is an impression of a little blue boy running away from his mother. I can’t think of anything else. I can’t even conceptualize His position as God, all I can see is a little blue boy.

I have no appreciation for this image but I’ve been told that keeping it in my head is very very important, and I’m trying to do just that, and at this point it’s all I can really do.

If I have time I can try to imagine his little feet with cute little toes and pearl-like toenails, and also pearls of sweat running from his forehead, and also his big earrings and disheveled hair. He is too small for all his ornaments and clothes but he is running as fast as he can, completely caught in the excitement of the moment.

I’m not going to take it any further than this, just what I heard from our authorities, and even this might be too sahajiya, but, as I said, if not this image then I’ve got nothing.

It’s time to wrap it up, another failed install is ready, I will need to think of yet another set of possible causes and solutions, it’s nowhere near the end yet.

Just remember – stay as calm as the ocean and keep the image of Damodara with me at all times.

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