Vanity thought #198. Daydreams and reality.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been having these thoughts about living in Vrindavan or Jagannatha Puri. I was thinking about the ways I could get there, the ways I could stay there, the ways I could live there, even what I would say to my mom when I leave and what I would say if she ever finds me there.

I don’t think I’d look pretty enough for her, that’s not the the kind of life she envisioned for me and it could break her heart – after all these years of trying to bring me back into the society I want to escape again. I’m afraid she can’t accept that life of a beggar can be in any way satisfying.

Imagine if I ever pull it off, on the strength of attraction to chanting the Holy Names – I would look like a madman needing urgent psychiatric care. Of course there are proper ways to live in Vrindavan as a respected member of a society but that is just not for me. The only way I can be there is by going native, and the only reason for me to do so would be overwhelming desire to chant in places frequented by Krishna. I doubt it would ever happen in this lifetime but as far as dreams go – that’s the most realistic one.

The biggest problem I have is that these dreams occur to me when I’m supposed to be chanting and listening, not dreaming.

I could argue that daydreaming about Vrindavan is way better than daydreaming about upgrading the OS in my computer and rooting my tablet but what is the principal difference anyway? Thinking about Vrindavan is better because it’s connected to Krishna and that’s about it but what I think about Krishna is not what I should think in the mood of Siksashtaka so does it really matter?

I’m thinking about making mundane arrangements for my sleeping and eating, that’s all. Dreams of seeing actual holy places don’t even enter my head, those places are just names for me, and I don’t even remember the names.

I would need a guided tour to show me the location of this or that pastime. It’s nice, even necessary, but one doesn’t need to live his life behind to know that. Just visit Vrindavan from time to time and develop the mood of separation, appreciate its value form the distance.

And here comes the reality – what is the proper way to take shelter of the Holy Dhama? No brainer – visiting, paying respect, learning basics, trying to absorb the love of Brijabasis for the place. This way one would develop proper, failsafe attitude of humility and what more does one need?

If one wants to move to Vrindavan, though, he should be given a compelling reason to do so. It’s one thing to find some kind of service there, like, hmmm, joining the twenty four hour kirtan, or one could even think of buying a house and doing some preaching program from there, perhaps even over the internet, or one could think of setting a business to supply devotees back home with the essentials, but I can’t help thinking that all these things are just excuses for self-aggrandizement, pathetic ways to feed one’s ego as the great devotee of the Lord.

If one is desperate enough all those things can be arranged, by Krishna’s mercy, but what does it do for Him? He can arrange things for us, no big deal, but where’s the service for His pleasure?

The proper way, imo, is waiting until your help is being requested. Maybe they’d need someone there, maybe they’d need a pujari, or a gurukula teacher. In Prabhupada’s days everything was exploding there and there was always need for help, now we are more or less settled down, learned to manage our society properly, with minimum effort. New services, especially in Vrindavan, are hard to come by.

Yet, by the Lord’s grace, everything can happen, one has to be patient and humble and one needs to invited, that’s the only way. It’s like with Govardhana shilas – you can’t just take one for yourself, you need to receive one from a devotee who would be kind enough to put Govardhana shila in your care.

There’s no gatecrashing Krishna’s party, one has to wait until the Supersoul within our hearts exhibits His mercy through His representatives in this world. This is the proper way to receive invitation to join any Krishna’s pastime, from sankirtana to rasa dance.

Then one could slowly build his service up and in time maybe even receive the permanent permit to reside in the Holy Dham, from proper authorities. At the end of his life one then could engage himself in chanting the Holy Names day and night, when his body isn’t fit for doing much else anymore and his senses lost the taste for gratification.

In short, one has to steadily move up ISKCON ranks from bhakta program to sannyasa and maybe one day, if it’s really pleases Krishna, he will be given the privilege of serving in the dham. Our sannyasis don’t stay in one place and chant, however, it’s Kali Yuga, people take sannyasa only for preaching.

So the real chances of me ending up in Vrindavan are small to none, there are probably a hundred steps between where I am now and where I want to be, and if I take each of them seriously I probably drop my little silly plans anyway.

This is the ultimate reality – I shouldn’t be making any plans at all. Okay, that’s not exactly right – I should be making plans to please Krishna and that means I should be ready to give up those plans at any moment. Krishna might request for lassi and while I am getting it for Him He might change His mind and want plain water instead. Screws up my plans but if this is what He wants I should be happy to oblige. He’d probably get the kicks out of making me frustrated like that. Hopefully not all the time.

The reality is that I should sit down and chant, this seems like the right thing to do at the moment. Eventually I might attract Krishna’s attention and He might want my body to do something else. In that case the Supersoul will find the way to send me a message, I doubt I will miss it.

Any plans beyond that is daydreaming, should reduce that to a minimum.

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