Vanity thought #121. Need a bike.

This is in reference to yet another popular culture phenomenon – vampire series of books and movies “Twilight”.

There’s this girl who falls in love with the vampire and wants to get converted, too. Her boyfriend refuses, and, understanding the danger of normal humans hanging out with vampires he disappears from her life altogether. She still loves him, though and is really really heartbroken.

Then she finds a way to bring him back in a “subtle” form – she has to do something stupid and dangerous, then her vampire love will appear before her, or his voice will sound in her ears warning her and begging her not to endanger herself. Pretty neat trick.

First she tried driving a big bike and sure enough, just before her first crash her beloved appeared before her. Then she decided to jump off the cliff and it worked again but not entirely as she hoped – her vampire spoke to her but, due to unfortunate circumstances, he thought that she actually drowned and decided to kill himself, too. That news prompted her to jump to his rescue and they lived happily ever after for another two books and movies.

It is pretty clear by now why I want to get a big bike – I hope Krishna will show Himself, too. I have practically no doubt he is watching over me every second of my life, at least via His Paramatma extension, but that’s not enough for me, I want some extra attention.

Like a little kid throwing tantrums when he feels neglected. Little brat, would be more correct.

To my credit I waited almost until the end so I don’t really need a bike, I’m about to go down in flames anyway, let’s see what Krishna will do about that. Probably nothing, He’ll let the Supersoul arrange everything as prescribed by my karma and maybe a little more but I’m no more than casually pessimistic about Krishna Himself making an appearance.

I don’t even want to test Him with the big bike theory – what if He doesn’t show up at all and just let me do whatever crazy stuff I want to? That would be heartbreaking and I’d rather keep my little illusion of Krishna caring about me to go on for a little longer.

But, as I said, time is almost up – I’m about to lose my job and with it my proud position as a provider and all kinds of other powers, and I’m about to join the ranks of good for nothing bums who can’t even support themselves and live off their hard working wives.

And I can’t say a word about Krishna aloud. He might still be supporting me, all the time, just through different people. The trouble is, those people don’t feel like being Krishna’s instruments while I sit home all day long and chant. I haven’t got one of those vedic wives, I can’t say it’s all Krishna’s arrangement while she has to bust her ass.

I don’t particularly care what people would say about me personally, as long as it doesn’t reflect on Krishna it doesn’t really matter.

So there, Krishna better show Himself and fast, I’ve got maybe a day or two until shit hits the fan. I need either a new contract or some other plan, and I haven’t got any, relying on Krishna’s arrangements for about half a year now. It looks I can’t postpone it anymore, I’m already standing on the cliff, so to speak, or, more appropriately, walking the plank off the pirate ship – it’s not my call anymore.

And here is another problem – what if I was dying tomorrow? I always assume that Krishna would show up at my death bed and take me home. Well, now is the test run and Krishna is nowhere to be seen. The prospect of death as a step into the new, spiritual world doesn’t sound so appealing anymore. It probably won’t happen, it would probably be just the same uncertainty I’m facing now – no conch shells, no Vaikuntha airplanes, no confetti or flowers, just a faint belief that Supersoul, Lord Hari, is still with me and He is doing everything in my best interests, that’s all.

Oh, and the skin of my heart would make any rhinoceros very very envious. Instead of melting down and begging Krishna for mercy I just walk around, trying to prolong facing the reality, and I don’t even know what I’m afraid of more – not having devotion to pray or being abandoned when the time comes.

As an excuse I cite the old time favorite – let me just chant the Holy Names and serve Krishna as usual and He’ll take care of everything. Well, it works with devotees, I’m just a pretender, I can point to a millions of reasons why Krishna should avoid me for the time being, I’m just not qualified for mercy. It happens, it will come, just not this time.

So instead of facing my problem with full determination and fully absorbed in prayers, I’m typing yet another long, self-gratifying post here.

I think I know what the problem is – I don’t have enough devotion to fully absorb myself in prayer, I postpone and postpone surrendering my life and soul and now the life is slipping out of my hands. My pride and my dignity are at stake and I can’t afford playing a helpless devotee – everyone would just laugh at Krishna instead.

I’m sorry I put Him in this position, I tried to avoid it but nothing worked, just like this morning something told me to change the direction and NOT go to the main office where I would have been confronted right away, that maneuver won me another day and gave me a chance to prepare my next move. All in vain, though – the day has passed and nothing came to mind.

What to do? No idea, maybe I’ll ditch the work tomorrow and chant more rounds at home instead. I don’t think my reason is like that of Arjuna before the battle – I’m not giving up and renouncing my life, I’m simply thinking how to soften the landing, the only thing I really need is some due wages and I don’t really need those if it would mean a fully blown walkout scandal.

I think I’ll do the most cowardly thing and postpone the decision until tomorrow morning and then just try to wing it. Just like today, Krishna will find the way to stop me in my tracks if he wants to, and if not, I’ll just get whatever is coming.

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