There was this thing that has been bothering me for nearly two weeks. Some technical matter that just refused to go away. Finally it came to a head a couple of days ago and someone came up with results that ran contrary to what I have been arguing against for two weeks.
It meant not only that I was wrong, it meant that all the data I had been presenting to that point was either bogus or I was a absolutely unreliable as a researcher.
Normally that would have signaled my total meltdown. This time, however, I was unusually composed. At first I attributed it to my own maturity that comes from devotional service. Things don’t bother me so easily anymore.
In reality, however, it was all a bit different. The matter was something I’ve never connected with devotional service, only as a hindrance to my concentration during japa. It had nothing to do with Krishna and it had everything to do with my silly pride. Not worth praying about, I thought. So when my pride came under ultimate threat and I didn’t feel like losing anything I thought it was a sign of my progress, but, as I said, it was different this time.
I had a nagging feeling in my heart that I should not pay attention this time and that strange feeling came from somewhere else, not from me, and it demanded the respect I usually associate with my “consciousness”, ie Supersoul, and it urged me to persevere and exhibit proper respect to the new findings. I went along.
It turned out that just a few hours later I have found the source of the problem and the ultimate explanation that supported and reconciled both my own data and the new, pride crushing discoveries, and I came out smelling like roses. That was quite a feat – from permanently ruined reputation to ultimate triumph in one day. Supersoul knows what He is doing, I can tell you that.
And it didn’t end there. As soon as the stress cleared out of my heart and mind I have found new powers and new determination to fully take to chanting, the mind has become clear, at least one troubling subject has dissipated. Apparently while I wasn’t taking it seriously, Krishna did. Apparently while I wasn’t taking the negative effect it had on my japa seriously, Krishna did. He, as the Supersoul, went out of His way not only to prove me right but to also free my mind and give me strength to direct it to chanting His Holy Names.
Apparently He has read my blog a few days ago where I complained that He never takes my side and He decided to prove me wrong. Well, you can’t argue with Krishna, when He wants to prove something He is not satisfied with simply presenting unbeatable arguments, He goes straight to the heart and removes the desire to argue itself. He just fills the heart with desire to surrender to His will instead.
After He did that I found it extremely hallow to attribute my little victory to my own prowess. It was all Krishna’s doing, it was all Krishna’s lesson. All credit should go to Him.
Now that this matter is clear I’m asking myself if it was worth it. Did I really have to complain? Did I cause any inconvenience to Krishna so that He had to prove Himself to me? Wasn’t it stemming from my lack of faith? Maybe I should have just chanted all my troubles away without making a fuss. Why did I have to waste Krishna’s attention on something so trivial? There are better things to ask from His intervention – I could have asked for unconditional service, for example. I could have asked for the taste for unconditional service. I could have asked for the taste for the Holy Names.
Instead I asked Krishna to prove that he exists. What a waste. What if I have only three wishes Krishna is going to grant. One wish has been wasted on silly stuff already.
So I am in two minds about the whole matter. On one hand it’s nice to attract Krishna’s attention, on the other hand it’s not so nice to waste it on something useless.
The lesson I hope I would learn, though, is that I should never take any credit for myself. Krishna is the ultimate doer and Krishna is the ultimate source of success, not me.
If I can use another wish today – let me remember this lesson forever, please.