Vanity thought #79. Motivations.

God knows how many times I caught myself feeling bored. And not bored in a sense “there’s nothing on TV” and I just flick channels, bored doing something supposedly Krishna conscious.

Bored as in “I don’t wanna do any extra rounds”, bored as in “I hope there’s some interesting fight with Christians on the Net”, bored as in “When will I finish reading that lecture on a blog?”, bored as in “I need to find some better bhajans to download”.

What’s wrong with me?

It came down to me praying to Krishna, while doing my japa, to give me something interesting to do when I finish. I know I can find some other stuff pretty easily but I want exciting Krishna conscious stuff instead and I pray for it.

So what’s going on?

I think being bored is an influence of tama guna, or maybe it’s actually rajas – the desire to do something really engaging. Come to think of it, this rush comes in even when I’m perfectly happy and satisfied so it must be rajas. The source is not really important, what’s important is that it gives me motivation to do something “for Krishna” and thus it can’t be all bad. Come to think of it’s actually pretty good, in a sense that doing something connected to Krishna is the only way to purify oneself in the process.

I don’t think everyone who does some big, big service, is absolutely free from any tinge of rajas or is starting off from absolutely pure state of heart. I’m no special in this regard, except I’m not doing anything big, but the principle should be the same.

I don’t have any special capacities, if I was a singer I could have recorded a devotional song and utilized my voice, if I was a writer I could have written a nice book or poem to motivate others or just to describe glories of devotees or Krishna Himself, if I was a businessmen I could have started some Krishna conscious enterprise serving devotees needs and donating proceeds to Krishna or to preaching programs, or opened a restaurant to attract people to prasadam. Whatever it was, I’m pretty sure the process would have given me a real rush.

As it is, I’m getting excited about downloading new books off the Internet instead, books that I probably won’t have the time or desire to read – what a waste of life!

So, should I be searching for more motivations? Should I really welcome the feeling of being bored as it’s the only impetus to doing something for me? Half the time I successfully banish this boredom from my mind. Should I declare a victory? Is it so bad feeling satisfied with just chanting instead?

I’ve found out that I can do my rounds faster than usual, what should I do about it? What’s the purpose of this speed chanting? Will I have more time to lounge on a sofa? Will I have more time to read? Or should I just chant more rounds instead?

At this point I have a rush of possibility to chant 64 rounds one day, and maybe even three lakhs, which is 192 rounds. What gives me the rush is calculations how it could be made possible.

This week, for example, I have a few days off and so doing 64 rounds shouldn’t be a problem, at my new speed it should take just a tad over six hours – not even a full working day. Even three lakhs doesn’t sound impossible anymore – mathematically I could do it in under 19 hours and so, as one off, it should be just one little chanting marathon. I’m not thinking of doing it everyday yet, though 19 hours a day should leave enough time for sleep, food, and showers. Tough schedule but not impossible.

The question is – what will I get from it? Would the result depend on my motivation? Would I get absolutely nothing if the only thing I want is imitating Haridasa Thakura?

Or can chanting three lakhs a day give me the Pure Name? As far as sacrifices go, this one is tough to beat technically, the grueling schedule leaves no time to enjoy my senses in any way.

The question is – will I really do it? It’s not a vrata by any means, I’m still a bit apprehensive about those, but when I really contemplate it and see a real possibility, I can’t back off easily either.

I will start with 64 rounds and see how it affects me. I’m not going to cancel my scheduled trip yet, I can still cancel in the last minute if I really want to go for 192 instead.

I can start with 32 rounds tomorrow, I guess, though it doesn’t sound as exciting now, when it’s getting real, as it was last week when it was only the stuff of my dreams.

God help me.

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