Vanity thought #7. Dread.

Had a bad japa day. Just couldn’t keep my mind on the names, it was all over the place, and when I managed to keep it listening, it was all robotic and I felt general apathy. The good news is that even by doing that, just trying again and again, the feeling and the attitude change.

Unfortunately it was too late, somewhere on the last two rounds, I came out feeling helpless and depressed, and then came the rest of the Saturday with all the opportunities to forget about japa troubles.

I hate weekends, too much time for myself, for just idling around and killing time by watching some stupid videos.

Grrr, why do weekends have to be every week???

On weekdays I just keep alert, trying to get through my workday and find enough time for japa, I walk everywhere with a clicker, just to keep chanting at all times, and by Friday I’m literally flying, and then comes Saturday and it all goes away.

So what does it mean? One explanation is that my perception of progress is sentimental, there’s no foundation for it. Another explanation  is that simply trying, even without taste, still counts, and devotion shouldn’t be all about enjoyment anyway.

Another argument is that it’s okay, it’s progress, in the future it will all come by itself.

Well, I’m in the future, a very distant future from the day I heard this argument for the first time.

On the other hand, thanks to Krishna for not giving up on me during all this time, on yet another hand for him it was not even a second, so no big deal.

So here how this Saturday ends, on dread and confusion, but also with hope.

Krishna just gives enough to go on.

Naughty, naughty God.

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